October 2010
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lilabird asked: i am going to find you on facebook and you betta accept my friend request so can i take my stalking to the ultimate level. YAY for the rangers tonight, eh??
“If I ever meet one of you Texas waddies that says he never drank from a horse...”
– Marshall Rooster Cogburn, from True Grit by Charles Portis.
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Eeper Weeper
Eeper Weeper, chimbly sweeper, Had a wife but couldn’t keep her. Had another, didn’t love her, Up the chimbly he did shove her.
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Hidy
Excerpt from True Grit by Charles Portis
While he was helping himself to the food he grinned at me across the table and said, “Hidy.” I nodded and said nothing. “What is your name?” said he. “Pudding and tame,” said I. He said, “I will take a guess and say it is Mattie Ross.”
myownmelt:
three50eight: dustinnguyen: “Block...
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“I showed my friend Vanessa from that Europe tour I went on your Hipster Smash...”
– Who Killed?
This is technically correct.
Send all panties c/o Dr. J & Elliot Woolsuit, 387 1/2 Chapel Street, Ottawa ON K1N7Z5 CANADA
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My dad brought me home a dead squirrel that he found while jogging—almost completely skeletonized.
What I’m trying to say is that I have the best dad ever.
Laura (introducing me to a friend): This is Jacob. He went to Science Academy too, but 3 years before us.
Friend: Yeah, I think I remember seeing you.
Laura: What? How do you remember him?
Friend: The hair.
James: The Giants have nothing but lumberjacks on their team!
Me: I know, james. . . I know.
Arctic Monkeys - If You Were There, Beware
Business as Usual
James: Ok
James: Which is beard?
Me: That sentence doesn't make sense.
James: I meant with
Me: That still doesn't make sense.
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Bob Dylan - Blue Moon
I heard someone whisper...
“He picked the blonde over the redhead? Who picks a blonde over a redhead?”
– Overheard teenage boy.
Conversations That Never Happened
Her: What are you going to be for Halloween?
Him: Somebody else.
“Giving this to my parents would be like the making of the next Saw movie.”
– Paul Thurrott on the Google TV on this weeks Windows Weekly.
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When the moon and the sun get together. . .
They turn out the lights.
———
This is the funniest one-liner I have ever created but everyone thinks it’s lame. I even told it to my astronomy friend and she just stared at me blankly.
Nobody understands my genius.
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In elementary school
When they were teaching us the multiplication table I said to myself, “At no point in my future will I ever need this information. I’m not ever going to learn it.”
Now that I’m almost done with college I realize just how right I was.
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Smooth.
Me: I can't stop eating.
Girl Who Sits Next to Me: Really?
Me: Yeah, I did it once when I was a baby and I haven't stopped since.
Girl: Oh.
Let me tell you a story
Last Monday I lost my best trapper keeper. I didn’t realize it until two days later. Nothing in it was very important, but it was my best trapper keeper—black and white stripes like a zebra, and it had my original Blackwing 602 pencil (which I bought for 40 dollars) in it.
Now there is a trick that I can do and that I’ve done many times before in similar situations. I call it The...
Him: There's something about you.
Her: Just something?
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The Streets - I Love You More (Than You Like Me)
...
No Such Value
Boy, I sure do love Fayro.
And then I said, “I’m not that kind of duck!”
Let God sort ‘em out.
Hey, take a look at those gams!
“She changed her surname from Colton to O’Day, pig Latin for...”
– Anita O’Day - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Damn.
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OOH! OOH! It's getting good! →
They’ve just lowered a paramedic down into the cave. It’s pretty awesome. They’ve got a feed coming from inside the cave as well.
Univision Livestream →
This is another stream. It’s not in sync with the other one. I’m not sure which one is closer to live.
Chilean Miner Rescue Livestream →
This is a link to ustream where CBS is livestreaming the Chilean miner rescue. It’ll begin sometime (probably late) tonight, but you guys should stay up and watch.
History as it happens.
Ingenuity.
Kindness.
Hope.
If someone ever asks you what it means to be human; the answer is easy enough to come by.
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Jacob's List of Fetishes
1. Feet
2. Girls brushing their teeth (brossage de dents)
3. Girls eating marroushes
Some guy at the next table: Dude, I brought the mustang today. I'm gonna do the sickest burnout tonight.
Nick (to me): See, why can't you say that?
Me: I can say that. Dude, I brought the mustang today. I'm gonna do the sickest burnout tonight.
Guy next to me: I woke up this morning and wondered if it would be cold enough to wear a jacket today.
Me: You just described my entire life.