June 2009
To Bear.
Lots of kids want to be astronauts when they grow up. I never did. When I was a child I always wanted to be a Paleontologist. I wanted to go out and discover dinosaur bones. As I got older the interest faded. Then I started to read books about space travel, cosmology, the universe. I started to want to be an astronaut, not because I wanted to travel into space, but because I wanted to know more...
Riveting
Jacob Martinez: I just cut my fingernails
James Gutierrez: Ok
MegaRace →
Dudes, seriously, MegaRace was the best game ever. It may have been the first ever computer game I ever played.
synecdoche:
boringloser:
Harness Your Hopes -...
“The sand bats of Manark IV appear to be inanimate rock crystals… until...”
– Spock - TOS episode 67 “The Empath”
Everyone thinks I am like them
Customer at work: You look Filipino.
Me: Yeah, I get that a lot.
Staked.tumblr.com →
Be glad I didn’t go with my original name, PiecesOfWood.tumblr.com
During the latest vampire craze I began to notice, while walking along the streets, that there are a suspicious amount of stake-like wooden objects just lying around. Now that I have a cell phone that can take pictures (yes, I realize what year it is [and how old I am for that matter]), I can document the instruments of...
File Under Neurosis
I have a slight fear of unnecessary travel. For example, if I were to get groceries, only to realize, when I got home, that I had forgotten something on my list, I would not go back to the store to get it for fear of dying in an automobile accident on the way to or from.
Another example. Exercising, I would not run/walk/bike anywhere, favoring the automated substitutes from the comfort of my...
Hall & Oates - Family Man
She wore hurt...
“There shouldn’t be commercials in this.”
– My mom after watching her first ever television show on the internet.
1 tag
Things That Fill Me With Uncontrollable Rage Vol....
The amount that people who exclusively listen to classical music talk about exclusively listening to classical music astounds me.
Their words beat about my face and head endlessly, and hours—days even, after they have been spoken. The notion that I should for some reason care about or admire your impeccable taste in music fills me with some kind of incredible hulk rage that nothing else can seem...
They Call Me LowFlow
When I was little I put way too much toilet paper in the toilet and it overflowed everywhere. Ever since then I always flush (at least) twice.
Things I Wish Would Happen But Probably Won't:...
In my and Who Killed?’s unathorized 6th sequel to Planet of The Apes, we retcon the entire series into oblivion by having Tarzan land on the planet and make peace between Ape and Man.
Title: Tarzan of The Planet of The Apes
“I almost need Tarzan with me.”
– An elderly woman said this to me at work when I asked her if she needed help carrying her 50lb dog food bag out to her car. I love that her ideal image of strength is Tarzan of the apes.
I'm looking at you Paige.
There are people I know in real life that I have literally only spoken to through twitter.
12minds:
Spin Doctors - How Could You Want Him...
Universal Truth
A human being is most helpless when it encounters an automatic door that does not open.
If I were to build an unnavigable labrynth I would construct it entirely out of unpowered automatic doors.
Timeline
I once sat in a doctor’s waiting room and listened to two old men talking about when they were younger. One of the men said that when he was young he sat and talked to the grandfather of a girl he was dating while he was at her house waiting for her to get ready to go out. The grandfather told him that he had lived through the chief mode of transportation being horse and cart, to seeing men...
Ashes to Ashes
I’m surprised a movie studio hasn’t tried to capatalize on the renewed vampire craze by making a modern day blaxploitation film featuring an all African American cast as vampires. 90% of the jokes would be about someone looking “ashy”.
I Want To Believe.
Me: Oh, no. I Want To Believe you were probed.
Elliot: Okay here's what FO REALZ happened and you can submit this to Myth Busters, the Oracle of Delphi, or any other Higher Power. One night [REDACTED] was going to bed and instead of just taking off his pants and shirt and going to bed he took off his pants AND underwear accidently. Hasn't that happened to you sometimes? Sure. Okay so he gets into bed and he's like "OH MY GOD MY GENITALS ARE EXPOSED" and goes back to put on his underwear he just removed accidently. He puts his underwear on...but being both tired and annoyed they accidently go on backwards. Having no real purpose for the Manhole to be on the correct side, his mistake goes unnoticed.
Elliot: During the night he receives a txt message or his battery life on his cellphone goes down a notch or something and he sees a flashing light.
Elliot: And that's what happened.
Pepper - “Use Me”
She looked me over...
I used to have a notion of camaraderie with people who have the same name as me, now if I meet another Jacob I’m going to punch him in the nuts.
I guess I am da biggest . . . →
It didn’t have to be this way.
1 tag
My Life In One Sentence Vol. 8
I was about to take a break from the internet to go downstairs and get more junk food, but on the way I got distracted by the internet.
Things That I Wish Would Happen But Never Will...
In part II of his memoir, Bob Dylan unwittingly reveals the black magicks and procedure involved for summoning The Band.
This leads to future headlines such as:
John Mayer Summons The Band For Live Performance In Chicago
T-Pain To Summon The Band For Studio Collaboration Titled “From Beyond The Grave”
Pearl Jam - Get Some (live from The Tonight Show...
I give it two cries of anguish out of five.
For some reason my most feared form of torture has always been the ol’ bamboo shoots under the fingernails. But today at work a piece of wood went right up under my right middle finger’s nail. It hurt, but only for a little bit.
Passafire - Behind Closed Doors
3eb - Palm Reader
Just give me a call When you...
Apes On My Planet (Talkin' Bright Eyes Blues [For...
Apes on my Planet, blood on my shirt, Love is like a game of Russian Roulette, Eventually somebody gets hurt. Apes on my Planet, gunpowder in the air, I looked for Lucille, Couldn’t find her anywhere.
Apes on my Planet, Apes down Below! Psychic mutants over runnin’ Alpha-Omega’s gonna BLOW!!
1 tag
My Life In One Sentence Vol. 7
I just ordered Pop Tarts online, so many Pop Tarts.
andreaallen:
I recorded one minute of the Texas...
Reluctant Vampire Bataille Royale
This one is for all the marbles. Sometime after the vampire mythos was created, there was born the idea of the reluctant vampire. The one who never asked to be turned into a creature of the night; who uses his abilities for the powers of good, who turns on his own kind
Here I have compiled a list of contestants, standard Battle Royal rules apply, last man* living** wins.
Blade
Edward...