December 2009
“In African folklore the aardvark is much admired because of its diligent quest...”
– Aardvark - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
A certain tree.
“Wrapped in a piece of skin and worn on the chest the charm is said to give the owner the ability to pass through walls or roofs at night. The charm is said to be used by burglars and those seeking to visit young girls without their...
“Have you played Borderlands? I hear it’s like the Mexican version of...”
– My cousin
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Band Names That I Need To Remember
Charlton & The Hestons
Klervie & The Pistols
The Achulean Hand-Axes
Jacob Martinez & The Damn Dirty Apes
Priscilla P. & The Boy Toys (Already in use)
Jacob M. & The Feats of Strength
I'm basically The Pretender.
I realized the other day that after I quit my job, I’ll pretty much never have to use the extensive knowledge of aquarium set-up and maintenance that I learned for my job.
I’ve never owned a fish, I’ve never set up an aquarium, but I could do it blind-folded if I wanted to.
Just by testing a water sample I can tell:
How recently you have set up the tank
Whether you have live...
“I still haven’t calculated your final quiz grades, I’m going to have...”
– My art history and criticism professor.
He was completely serious.
“I had heard that madmen have unnatural strength; and as I knew I was a madman—at...”
– The patient Renfield, before fighting Count Dracula and almost winning. Dracula by Bram Stoker
“A piece of beef jerky caressing a rose petal…”
– Dana Stevens, Slate Spoiler Special of Crazy Heart
Night
I just had a refreshing, full night’s sleep. The only problem is that I went to bed so early that I woke up at 12:30am. Everyone is still asleep so I’ll have to break out the emergency Sierra Mist and wait for the day to catch up with me.
“Do you remember that one time I went to deposit a cheque in the ATM and you were...”
– Who Killed Tumblr?
Evolve
I went to GameStop today and overheard a woman with a british accent talking to one of the guys that worked there. She was buying a gameboy for her daughter, about 7 years old, and she was asking the guy what game she should buy for it. The man recommended Pokemon, which the lady had never heard of, so he explained the entire concept for her.
“There are animals called pokemon, and you have...
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Alright,
so I just tried to film a little nook vs. kindle video and it was crap. So here are my nonsensical thoughts on the nook, written as quickly as possible and proofread as little as possible.
Bottom line is, the nook is freaking awesome looking, I wish everything looked like the nook does. I hope the second generation of the nook has 3 screens and the third generation of the kindle has 17 screens.
...
It's coming.
I’m trying to write my epic nook vs kindle post, but I may make it a video instead. You’ll be the first to know (that’s a lie, twitter will be the first to know).
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Sugar Ray - Falls Apart
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Tiger and Mistress' txt messages, from NY Post
Jaimee: if we hang out on a Sundway we can watch desperate houswives again haha
Tiger: oh god
Jaimee: take a break from watching boring old golf
Jaimee: I mean the amazing sport of golf ;)
Jaimee: [more than an hour later] babe I was kidding
“Mr. Morris, you should be proud of your great state. Its reception into the...”
– Mr. Renfield to Quincy Morris, of Texas; Dracula by Bram Stoker
OK, yeah, I was showing off.
So I go into a Barnes and Noble and am walking around with my Nook. I pass by the help desk/Nook display set up and hear a middle aged woman talking to an employee about a Nook for her daughter. The woman asks the employee if it comes with any books pre-loaded. The employee responds that she thinks that it comes with four B&N Classics but she didn’t know which ones (It doesn’t, or...
Dramatic Re-enactment of the Robbery #2
Badguy: I CAN HAZ ALL DA MONIEZ NAO? LOL!
Me & Julie: r u jk?
Badguy: No. lol.
Me & Julie: k.
Badguy: kthxbai
“Christmas in the Heart is not perfect - Bob’s “O Little Town of...”
– J. Brennan Amazon.com: Christmas In the Heart: Bob Dylan: Music Review
Bethle-Phlegm
Anything you want me to cover regarding the Nook?
Let me know and I’ll answer all of you, I ain’t got nothin’ else to do.
inothernews:
jacobmartinez:
My nook finally got here.
Does it come with those titles loaded already?
No that’s a sticker. It came with Little Women and Pride and Prejudice.
.
No but really, the best part was afterwards. The store stayed open, and I stayed on the register, and person after person (actually man after man) came up to me, and said that they had also been on the wrong end of the barrel of a gun, and that it isn’t nice.
These guys had no idea that I was one of the ones at gunpoint, I guess they must have just seen it in my face, I’m sure I was...
The best part was
The guy asked me if I had any money in my register and I literally said, “Probably not.”
So he only stole her money.
So yeaaahhhh. . .
I’m a cashier, and my store got robbed about 4 hours ago. Meaning me, and another cashier with a gun in our faces. I just got home. A dramatic reenactment follows:
I am nonchalantly standing at the register, the world is my oyster, a rebel without a cause. My partner, another cashier, stands at her register, filing her nails seductively.
A man walks in. I new he was strange by the way he...
Bang On A Milli (Lil Wayne “A Milli”...
Cry
I had a crazy dream
I dreamt that I was in some building, and I was a cop or a security guard or something like that.
And this crab went wild,
Like a small crab that you eat,
and it went wild and started running around on the floor, trying to pinch people.
I somehow managed to lure it outside, where another cop showed up
And this crab was off the walls crazy, so I said, “We have to...
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Beirut - My Wife, Lost In The Wild
It often feels...
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Updated Pretender Spreadsheet Link →
Here’s an easier to view version, I’ve added episodes 8 & 9 and have also started tracking what kind of confection Jarod eats in each episode. I’ll go back and add the sweets from eps 1-7 some other time.
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Things the pretender pretended to be in every... →
I’ve made a google docs spreadsheet and will update it as I watch the episodes. Expect episode 8’s pretenses to go live in an hour or two.
