May 2012
I woke up with a huge scratch on my face by my mouth that I must have given myself in my sleep. I want to go out but I don’t want people to look at me weird. I also can’t shave because I don’t want people to think that I cut myself shaving.
A Personal History of Vomiting
The following post contains terrible, terrible, imagery. Read at your own risk.
I can count the number of times I’ve vomited (excluding when I was a baby) on one hand. Today I added to that number, but I’ll get to that later… first we have to start at the beginning.
One of the earliest memories I have of vomiting was during the premier of the CatDog movie, CatDog: The Great...
Arch.
One of the things that has always bothered me about the various Star Trek series’ is that when characters run a program in the holodeck that requires a certain costume they physically put on those costumes in their rooms and then walk with them on to the holodeck. Why? Why replicate physical material and wear it instead of just letting the holodeck overlay a costume onto your body? IT...
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I spend most of my time trying to figure out which junk food is the most healthful while ignoring the fact that fruits and vegetables exist.
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I got my Doctorate in the fine art of pitying...
90% of the reason why I didn’t attend my own commencement ceremony is how absolutely cheap the gowns always look. They look like they cost 15 cents to make out of downcycled vinyl umbrellas. I just saw a group photo of graduates and literally thought “Why are all those dudes wearing trash bags?”
And it’s not even like you can go out and buy your own nice gown, because then...
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I realized recently, that if I wash each dish immediately after using it, then I’ll never have to wash the dishes. It’s the best thing to ever happen to me for my well being.
I just completely solved all potential zombie outbreaks: Guns that shoot out maggots and dermestid beetles. Also, helicopters that drop them on cities.
Me: Kobe Bryant's Wikipedia article has the most references I've ever seen for any article ever.
James (thebluefrenchhorn.tumblr.com): Napoleon's has 212, Kobe has 257.
O.A.R - Dareh Meyod
It’s a shame you...
“You have really nice eyelashes.”
– Cashier at Ulta, to me.
A compliment I have consistently received since I was a baby.
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April 2012
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What if?
What if everything you thought was a bug out of the corner of your eye really was a bug?
What if chalupas were called chalumpas?
Ring Toss
Look at my skill Bend at my will Shudder before my might.
Trying new pick up lines: “Don’t be nervous, I’m a really bad kisser.”
I had to give one of my favorite waiters at one of my favorite restaurants a terrible tip today because it was all I had. And I was in such a hurry to get out of there (so he wouldn’t see my bad tip) that I forgot the boxed up food I was going to take home.
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PSA
When we’re kids and something really bad happens we say “Don’t tell anyone.” because we don’t want to get in trouble or cause a scene, and we keep it a secret.
And when we’re adults sometimes that tendency carries over and we do the same, but there are times when that’s the exact opposite of what we should do.
If someone is hurting you, or has hurt you....
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Q&A
Q: Did you make a Pretty Little Liars themed version of the board game Clue where the object of the game is to find out who killed Ali?
A: Yes.
Q: But this is just like a rushed, sloppily thrown together experiment, right?
A: Yes and no. Everything I do is sloppy and rushed, but I’ve put in about 16 hours of total work time on this.
Q: Is it playable?
A: Fully. And I’ve...
Never assume that you will be happier if something in your life changed. Take your average happiness level and assume that you will be this happy regardless of all changes. This goes for sadness too.
Anytime vacation plans are thrown around I’m like “Hey we can go see where they filmed the exteriors of [ANY TV SHOW OR MOVIE]!!!!”
I’ve been sleeping on a couch for so long...
I hate Worf so much.
Not only was Worf in more episodes of Star Trek than any other character, I think he had more episodes about him than any other character. And they all sucked. Every single one of them.
His hair is always dumb too.
No more words.
Reading books leaves me completely devastated. I have a friend who can read all day every day forever. I’ve literally only seen her without a book once. I wish I could be that way, but after a few hours of reading my eyeballs glaze over and pass out like two overweight animals who have just gorged themselves after a long day.
Reading is physically exhausting for me, and it works in two...
We Were.
I was going to say something about Felicity existing in a form of hyper-reality but that isn’t quite it. In fact, the reality Felicity exists in is a slowed down version. A world where you can make out all the words, and themes, and images, but it takes your mind just a fraction of a second longer than it usually does to register them.
And that’s what’s so good about the show.
...
Pepper - Point and Shoot
This is such a good song...
Ways
Accidentally brush your hand against hers and then freak out. Jump three feet off the ground.
Open your eyes as wide as possible when you kiss. She won’t know because her eyes are closed.
Stay up way past your bedtime watching TV shows that everyone has already seen. You need to keep up with the times.
Maintain a steady diet of Hot Tamales, Slim Jims, dry Rice Chex, and sunflower seeds....
What I do for fun.
Me: I need a word that rhymes with Hooker but is for kids.
James: Looker. Cooker.
Me: OK, now I need a kid friendly word that rhymes with Skeet.
James: Sleet, Sleep, Neat, Wheat.
James: Are you rewriting raps for children?
Me: . . . yes.
“Ben gives Felicity the cold shoulder after the cheating incident. She whines...”
– Netflix episode summary for Felicity Season 1 Episode 7.
But really this is the summary of every episode.
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Grey Shirt.
Is there a separate word for first dates that are also last dates?
Because I specialize in those.
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Idea.
Miniature pressure washer, for dishes. Attaches to sink somehow.
Candle rage.
I just had my second failed attempt at making a candle and I’m SO MAD.
The first time everything went perfectly, until the candle set in the mold and then wouldn’t come out and I had to destroy the stupid thing. This happened because I thought I could skip buying mold release spray and use PAM cooking spray instead. It didn’t work.
So I went out and bought the special mold...
Not.
Felicity puts me in the weirdest of moods. Everything looks like the color gray and brown mixed together, but at a very low opacity.
I don’t want it to stop.
In the first episode of Deep Space 9, Commander Sisko travels through the wormhole and encounters aliens who have transcended physical form and exist on another plane. Time and space mean nothing to these aliens (in fact they’ve...
